Superman's Key Party (Guys Must Bring A Girl)

Jeeez have I been busy these last couple weeks. I mean nothing will keep you busier then visiting every single 7-11 and run down gas station looking to pick up every last Four Loko you can before the tyrannical Obama Government outlaws them all and purchase of them is punishable by bullet to the head in front of all your loved ones and Toby Keith (but what if Toby Keith is a loved one of yours you ask? You've probably all ready went with the bullet to the head route). This being the holidays its important to stock up on Four Loko so you can have a good pairing with the Thanksgiving Turkey. I would think Watermelon would match up splendidly with the turkey but my girlfriend is pretty adamant about trying the grape this year since she says it will match up with the turkey pretty well something about taste palettes or something). I can be pretty stubborn when it comes to finer alcoholic beverages so this year the fine wine decision will be deferred to her. I guess Grape Four Loko this year!

If there is one thing more dangerous then teenage girls drinking Four Loko and making mistakes which usually end with the girl in question having no memory on how they got that Girl Gone Wild t-shirt it's apparently air travel. Over the last couple days all I have heard are horror stories how someone had to walk through a full body scanner or an individual making slightly more than minimum wage patted down their cock looking for explosives.

People can we calm down on this full blown panic on these expanded security measures the TSA has implemented. So what if you have to walk through a machine where whoever is monitoring it can see you naked. Do you think the employees who have to sit around see what a typical American looks like naked are getting off? I would hope not since most Americans are fat and ugly. Oh and so what if you get pulled out of line and get patted down and some fucking TSA official touches your dick. From my understanding from all the Craiglist ads I have seen over the years (and posted) is that most guys want people to touch their dick. I mean isn't that the reason Four Loko was invented.

But of course collective America has decided that these TSA Security Measures are worse then setting your dick on fire (which coincidentally someone on a plane tried doing). Everybody was pretty cool and silent about these measures when the heightened security was just aimed at Muslims. Sure it was OK and you didn't give a fuck when most of Muslim America was profiled in this regard but all of a sudden now all of white fucking suburbia America suddenly gets mad that they will have to walk through a full body scanner and somebody gets to see their bloated dumpy potato eating ass almost in the flesh. I guess when the TSA started treating everyone at the airport like a Muslim all of America lost their collective minds.

Oh and just to let you know I am against these new protocols but you want to know something? I have been against most of what has been implemented since 9/11 to keep us "safe" from the terrorists. It's amazing all the bullshit that the U.S. Government has done while waging their War On Terror such as The Patriot Act and invading Muslim Countries where it had no business going to and Wireless Phone Taps and monitoring your library records and now people are getting mad because someone might touch their dick? America is number one in selective outrage!

Oh and one last thing my fellow freedom loving Americans! If you think full body scanners in the name of fighting terrorism is bad think about being one of those poor unfortunate schmucks who happen to live in a country the U.S. is occupying to wage this war on terror. You could have been bombed or killed by a predator drone attack just because you were in the wrong place at the wrong time (like a wedding). But yeah that's not as bad as someone touching your dick. As my good friend Justin Timberlake likes to sing "Cry me a fucking river America you nation of stupid fucking whiners."

She Showed Me The Knife

It seems like I went to sleep one night and when I woke up in a cold desolate land where pogs are no longer hip and everyone is talking about vampires. I have a stellar collection of Slammers that are now just sitting idly by collecting dust. Today all the kids love their True Blood and their Twilights (but I guess not their Let The Right One In since nobody went to see that one). But if you ask me these Twilights are corrupting the youth of America.

I find it alarming that these Vampires and Werewolves run around the whole movie without any shirts on, in broad daylight. Forget everything you have ever heard about Vampires not liking the sun and fucking exploding into flames when the sunlight hits them but instead they show of a little glitter like they are on their way to the Wave in Norfolk for 80’s Night. Why can’t these creatures wear a shirt? Are there no Dress Barns in their area? What I find totally irresponsible about the whole thing is that there is not one scene where these creatures apply any sort of sun block to cancel out the potentially harmful UV rays emitting from the sun. What message does this send to the young impressionable kids who look to emulate these poorly written character types? Do they want kids to get skin cancer?

Another negative trait these kids see in these Twilight movies is that none of the Vampires have a job. Maybe they can get by now in Obama’s America where the government is handing out welfare checks faster then Tyler Perry puts out his shitty men are evil devote your life to a higher power and you will find a guy who doesn’t beat the shit out of you movies. Kids are watching this movie and it is telling them they don’t need a job and can just go out and play baseball in one of the most incompetently filmed scenes in the history of American Cinema. I’m sure if you did your research the amount of people who stopped looking for jobs probably coincides with the wide release of Twilight.

And should these movies be glorifying relationships with Vampires? A vampire is going to eat you (and not in the good enjoyable vagina eating kind of way). If this was a responsible movie the main character would be going out with a Cyclops. What’s the worst part about going out with a Cyclops; that he won’t have very good depth perception? Sure maybe he won’t be able to do things like drive a car or wear glasses or see Avatar in 3D but you know what he won’t do? Bite into your fucking neck and drinking your blood which turns you into a Vampire. Its like herpes you guys; that shit isn’t ever going to go away.

But the biggest problem I have is that the Twilight movies are horrible. I would rather go swimming in a pool of HIV infected syringes then see a Twilight movie. They are poorly written thinly veiled religious allegories about not fucking someone until you get married (hey kids Uncle Webby is not telling you to go out and fuck everything that moves but rather telling you shouldn’t decide to never have sex). If you are over the age of eighteen and you are eagerly awaiting the release of the next movie in the Twilight series I’m betting I can find you on a Sexual Predators database online. Because you like the young kids with the no shirt on thing going on.

But too each his own I guess.

But if you do like the Twilight movies please see Let The Right One In or read the book it is based of or see the American remake. It’s a grown up piece of art with engaging themes with obvious loving craft put into it and not some cheap exploitive movie a studio pumps out to separate young kids from their money.

Hey Friends

I havn't blogged in a while. I apologize. You my biggest fans in the whole wide world deserve better. Don't take it from me how much I am loved in this community and world as a whole. Take my new friends testimony! We are such good friends we are going to get a time share in Myrtle Beach next year (the year after we might go to the Creation Muesum).

"Ur bf is the BIGGEST douchebag i have ever met in a very long time. do not like him you seserve better. so all he said was don't be as much a friend as u want to be/ sorry ur so called "bf" likes to start shit and talk shit then run away. obviously insecure and not run away like he did, be a man. He obviously not. u seserve better than that pussy. and yes, I am calling him a pussy. Don't be that person/ treading water in a relationship/ with a npw known LOSER! sorry to harp on this but ur dude dude is overall NOT a nice person. Why are you with him. Dont waste ur life on stupid people. I met your bf tonight and in an accumaltive amount of time i have deemed him STUPID. u deserve much more than tha JACKASS oh wait/ Im not upposed to be texting you at all accordin to him bottom line ur bf sucks and he is not a nice person and if you (bf) is reading this, you suck as a bf and u are not a nice person."

I love meeting new friends!

Bye Bye Mrs American Pie

Jesus Christ. Its presidents day or some crazy holiday which is important enough for me to have off of work and it is snowing again. Do we need more snow? Its like I"m in some winter wonderland.

Anyways the only thing on television earlier today was Scrubs. Granted its a tolerable enough show and mostly inoffensive but I dig into it. Yeah that Zack Braff looking guy kinda sucks. Yeah he is good in Scrubs but I don't see that guy's shelf life lasting too long. There are only so many more years left where he can play some fucking pussy in a movie who listens to the god awful Shins eh?

Anyways American Pie Beta House came on after an episode of Scrubs today. Actually it might have been after an episode of the Colbert Report? Who fucking knows or cares because that's neither here nor there. Why is there an American Pie beta House movie?

The first American Pie was a pretty enjoyable flick. I liked how it kind of broke down typical stereotypes in regards to all the characters who were friends came from different circles. You had the intellectual, the sports jock, the loser virgin and the former rookie of the year from the Chicago Cubs team that won the Word Series back when I was younger. And if you looked past all the pie fucking and semen drinking and pussy fluting and probably the crime of tapping a women without her knowledge changing and broadcasting it for everyone to see on the internet (really I know its just some goofy fucking movie but don't you think that's a huge criminal offense) and whatever other crass sexual shenanigans where going on it was kind of a sweet movie that even had one character semi endorsing waiting to have sex which is something I"m sure the Christian Coalition could stand behind.

So like most movies they had a bunch of unnecessary sequels. I have to say that Part 2 was one of the funner experiences I had at the movie theatre and I remember there being a ten year old sitting behind me. And then Part Three came out and I thought it was a lot better then it had any right to be. So the third one came to an end and most of the characters grew up and it gets pretty unbelievable to have a thirty year old accidentally super gluing his dick to his hands so that was supposed to be the end of the franchise. But wait..

Like any fucking company whoever produced the American Pie movies decided they wanted to bleed more money out of the American Pie name so they kept creating these fucking direct to DVD cheap movies with nobodies. These movies lack the heart of the original movies and have doubled the amount of tits and asses that you get to see (Which I will admit is pretty awesome).

I saw the first one that came out which I think was called Band Camp. Man was that a cheap flaming bag of dog shit! First of all there is some other Stifler in the movie. Who the fuck was this Stifler and where did he come from? Oh and for some reason Jim's Dad from the first three movies was working at the band camp? What the fuck is that shit man? Why is Eugen Levy who looks like some buttoned up accountant now at this Band Camp? It makes no sense.

So I guess that movie made money so they keep making these movies. And another fucking Stifler I guess shows up to be the main character in it? How many fucking Stiflers are there. Not only that but for some reason Eugene Levy is in the movie as well. Is he still playing Jim's dad? I mean I am watching this Beta House American Pie and there is some scene where the fraternity is having some sort of contest and Jim's dad is a judge or something. Why would some nerdy guy who works at a Band Camp be judging some rowdy college contest where it seems that the person who can remove girls bras the fastest wins. Oh and Jim's dad is a lawyer who used to be a member of the fraternity.

Oh and some guy just fucking shot a load on a teddy bear. Its a super classy movie!

Oh and it seems they are up to at least number seven. And Eugene Levy is still playing Jim's Dad.

Give the man a break....

Ok. I know and harp on all the time about the negatives I see in the human race. I believe you can at least agree with me that there are some vile and fucked up things we as a human species do on a collective whole. I mean there is war, government sponsored bombings, public relations departments, famine and all sort of ugly primeval notions and abstract ideas that fill our collective heads throughout the day. But what makes us as a species tolerable and even gets me to root for our continued existence and survival is that we can sometimes come to agreements on some tiny aspects of life. Something that most of the general public agrees on is that Nicholas Cage is a shrill, not so good looking over actor who's career turned into some joke. Well I am here to set the record straight.

First on looks. Sure he doesn't have the rugged good looks of a Goerge Clooney or Joe Piscipo or isn't young anymore but dude looks all right in a non conventional way. I think its some of his hair decisions he makes in some of his movies. I will admit that he looks really goofy occasionally.

And sure Nicholas Cage overacts in almost any of his movies but unlike the critical darling and I must say overrated Johnny Depp have you ever been bored by a Cage performance? Usually he's balls to the wall in most movies I see him in which at least makes some of the more offensively bad movies in his repertoire semi-tolerable.

And sure he has been in a lot of bad movies. I'm sure you could name some of them and I know I could but its much easier to name the movies he was in that were good: Wild At Heart, Raising Arizona, Face Off, The Weather Man, Adaptation, The Rock, Leaving Los Vegas, Lord of War, and those are just the ones I can recall from memory.

I don't care what you say those are some good fucking movies and most actors don't have this number of good movies in their resumes. But if you ask me there is nothing better then watching his performance in the movie the Wicker Man. God was it a horrible movie but it has so many Cage freak out scenes and the what the fuck moment where he is running around punching out woman while dressed as a bear. It's some crazy shit as you can see.



You know I could make the same argument about another guy, Kevin Costner who gets shit on a lot but who has been in some pretty good movies. I won't but I could.

Stand There Looking Stupid. Hey You're American

Its Saturday and its snowing! We are getting a good amount of accumulation so I would have to say that it disputes all this talk of global warming. To all my conservative friends you were right about the whole global warming thing being a hoax perpetrated by the liberal media so they can accomplish um, well I don't know what we were trying to accomplish in this regard so if you do know please tell me. Also Scream 2 is on TNT right now. They say that have less commercials but it seems there are about as many commercials as there are sex tapes with Pamela Anderson in them.

I went to Shoppers earlier in the day to purchase some groceries which was a terrible mistake. There were so many people there and it took me forever just to checkout. Usually I go through the self check out. Oh the self check out the glorious invention that is not only supposed to be quicker but is another way us humans have gone about eliminating any sort of human interaction. I for one love it!

But sometimes the self checkout lane is a horrid shit show because unfortunately you have to take into account that most people alive today are pretty fucking retarded. I don't mean to be constantly harping on the negatives I see in the human race but some people should not be in the self checkout lanes. I don't understand how you can get confused in the self checkout lane when the damn machine walks you through the whole process. I am sure you have seen someone at the self checkout lane just standing there starring at the machine with an emotionless expression unable to fathom why they are not able to finish the transaction. Sign your fucking name people that's all you have to do.

Whats even worse then this is the people who insists on using the self checkout lanes with their shopping carts full of their food they will be eating for three weeks. People of America I want to inform you that the self check out lanes are supposed to be an express type thing. Trying to purchase three hundred dollars worth of food and getting it to fit in the limited bag space at the end of the machine is like trying to jam an elephant into an elevator. It just won't work and you just look really fucking goofy.

Lets Go For A Walk

I'm sorry. I know a couple days ago I promised to write a long and compelling diatribe on why Pat Robertson is a vile vermin motherfucking douche but I got preoccupied by watching Battlestar Galactica and drinking enough alcohol to forget major parts of the night and sexxing it up. That's right brothers and sisters at arms I have been out living life and the Mango has suffered from it (Is it cool to call this the Mango)? I know its not the first time I promised to knock that fucking phony smug fuck Pat Robertson down a couple pegs and right now and it probably looks like I have a petty vindictive grudge against him because he stole what should have been my rightful crown of homecoming king or he fucked my dog to death but I assure you there are many viable reasons to hate that senile old fucker that him fucking my dog to doggy heaven would be low on the top ten list of reasons why he is a horrible human.

Staying with the religious angle I would like to comment about last Friday afternoon where I got stuck in traffic in the District because it was the annual March For Life where a bunch people travel from all over the country and meet in D.C. because I guess its the heart of the nation where social policy is formed and implemented and march a mile or so together wearing color coordinated scarves and chant in cadence while carrying signs that either have a cute little slogan on it or an eight month fetus that was the ugly aftermath of a third trimester partial birth abortion.

Well good for them for marching I guess. I don't really have a real problem with a bunch of people who feel strongly about an issue wanting to get their message out. I mean wouldn't it be fucking hypocritical of me who has this very prestigious blog to knock people down a notch or two because they want to express their thoughts and feelings on an issue that is important to them?

Actually I was pissed because it took me forever to get out of the city on Friday. I think I have discussed this before but why is it that in this country if someone gets mad about something they make signs and go for a walk? It just seems so stupid to me. I don't care if its for making abortion illegal, ending the war or bringing Jericho back to television going for a walk is not a viable method to spur social change. But these people who do these walks or marches are self important assholes who think they are changing the world because they made a goofy fucking sign and burned a couple calories in the process. IF you want to spur social change you either have to overhaul our current system or actually get people into positions of power where they can actually implement these changes.

I mean look at it like this. How many politicians have actually said they were going to make abortion illegal. Or look at the promises Obama has made but has not kept because its really the same concept. People keep voting for and supporting these politicians who promise something but don't deliver because they got your vote and that's it. Look at all these Senators who showed up at the March for Life to get their picture taken so they get a couple more votes from the church going electorate and then go back to their office and work on their latest fundraising pitch to bleed more money out of whatever fucking special interest is trying to kill whatever regulatory bill is in the process of coming up for a vote in Congress.

Ok. Maybe just let me put it simpler to you pro-life people. HOW MANY YEARS HAVE YOU BEEN HAVING THIS MARCH FOR LIFE AND HOW MANY ABORTIONS HAVE STILL BEEN PERFORMED?

Now that we got that out of the way I just wanted to comment on a couple of things I noticed about the march. Granted I did not actually see every single person who was at the march but I think I saw enough to make a fair assessment on the basic demographics that were there.

The majority of the people marching either seemed to be older adults ranging age 45 or older or kids who seemed to be around 14 years old. I found it fascinating that there didn't seem to be a larger representation of people within those age groups present at the march. I think that most of the older people there were true believers but in regards to the younger kids, and let me state that at this point in their life I don't doubt their sincerity and beliefs in what they were marching for, but I would like to think these are kids that are still young and I think because of the lack of real life experiences they could end up changing their mind on this issue. But fuck man maybe a lot of those people in their twenties and thirties just couldn't get off of work since the March was held on a Friday.

But what pissed me off about the 14 year old kids was that you could tell most of them had never been in a big city before because I must have witnessed ten separate occasions where they would blissfully walk into the street to almost get hit by a car. The worst part about it is that they have a laugh about it like its so cute. Me I laugh at what I guess would be defined as irony if one of these kids got hit and killed by a car at the March For Life rally.

One last comment about this march and surprise its about something that pisses me off. I saw one old guy marching who had a large American flag he was waving around. This is what pisses me off the most and has been going on for some time. I think it got really bad in the last Presidential election where intellectuals like perpetual quitters Sarah Palin would go around the country to small towns that historically vote Republican and love the Confederate Flag and calling it the real American in relation to those elite democratic voting cities like New York who I guess by default would be part of this phony America who believes in global warming and other faggy progressive ideas. Forget the fact that this perceived real America is usually subsidized by the revenue brought in from the taxes of these more progressive states to help fund the dreams of real America which includes high school football games, apple pie and Larry The Cable Guy TV specials. Where was I again?

Oh yeah the dipshit carrying around the huge American flag which conveyed to me that he thought he was the real American and those who think differently from him are some small dicked fucking pussies that our actively cheering for the demise of what he perceives to be the American dream so faggy communist like me and our ilk can implement a one state progressive mandate where we force people into abortions and create some new world order with the United Nations and a cabal of Jewish bankers and force these real Americans to watch Nip Tuck or whatever the latest show that is an affront to God the Parents Resource Council is bitching about now but I guess the fact that he is marching on the side of right with the American Flag blowing in the breeze on his sabbatical to the unauthentic godless America to right all the wrongs with what is now a secular progressive society makes him a "real American." Sarah Palin and those who actively encourage this kind of thinking must be proud.

My New Years Resolution

My New Years Resolution was to write and blog more. After some deep and intense thought under the blazing sun while under the influence of peyote I decided that my New Year's Resolution would be to instead have no New Years Resolution.

I mean I have to say it is almost as ambitious as my New Year's Resolution which I batted .500 on last year. They were to check out my friends new townhouse in Woodbridge and to go to the BBQ place down the street from me. I did not make it to the BBQ place. Dagger.

But is there anything lamer than a New Year's Resolution? They are the worst you guys. Take a minute to stop and think how stupid they are in hindsight. Why do you need some arbitrary time frame to decide to make a decision that would supposedly improve your life. I say improve because nobody ever makes the New YEars Resolution to gain weight or take up smoking or preform a full frontal lobotomy do they? No you are just making some minor life decision that you will not follow through on and totally say fuck it after a couple weeks.

I also hate the people who complain about about how the previous year was horrible and maybe this will be the year where things look up for them. Because lets be serious your life is not going to get progressively better or worse because there happens to be a different number at the end of whatever year it is. But I degrees.

Yes but I am going to try and write more. Maybe there will be a series of shorter entries and a couple long ones here or there. I have a nice long post set up for that asshole Pat Robertson tomorrow that I hope I get up. Hopefully you will hear from me tomorrow.