It has happened to me again. A movie that I have been looking forward to checking out in the movie theatres for the longest time is not going to be playing at a movie theatre near me. Actually this is unfair since the movie in question will be playing at a theatre in D.C. that is only about ten or so miles away from me. But what the fuck I basically have a movie theatre within walking distance from me and another one that is probably ten minutes away from me.

This seems to happen to me often. Before the movie I want to see that is opening tomorrow the same thing happened with War Inc. It was a movie that I really wanted to see but played at only one theatre near me. Now with Hamlet 2 opening at only one theatre the same thing has happened to me again. Hamlet 2 looks like a movie that would be hysterical but is only playing in one theatre in my area. I’m sure that shitty movie The House Bunny will be in every theatre in the area.
I understand why some of these movies don’t get wide releases. In regards to War Inc I’m sure that the American people did not want to see a movie that was a satire of the military industrial complex even if Lloyd Dobler was in it. In regards to Hamlet 2 I am sure that middle America is not looking forward to a movie that has a time traveling Jesus who dances around on stage while singing Rock Me Sexy Jesus.



What I don’t understand is that Hamlet 2 was purchased at Sundance for ten million dollars. If you are going to buy a movie for that much why would you not put it in as many markets as you could. Along with the price the movie studio paid for the movie it has gotten mostly positive reviews from critics.
One reason it is not in theatres is because there are no big stars in the movie. The lead is a bloody Brit for Christ sake. Let’s say the movie starred Ben Stiller. Hamlet 2 would be playing on over 1,000 theatres in America probably even more. Another reason why this does not get a wide release is because it is not a movie geared to little fucking kids or the teenage audience. Every movie that is created is written and marketed to attract the attention of sixteen-year-old boys. Why do you think there is a huge market of horror movies that are rated PG-13? These studios want to maximize their profit margins so they take out all of the violence and nudity to get the fifteen year olds ten bucks. A horror movie with a PG-13 rating is sort of like watching a porno that doesn’t have a money shot. What the fuck is the point.
The American people are more interested in seeing crap. I recently had the pleasure of watching a movie that was pure explosive shit on HBO called Transformers. I don’t know how many people saw this movie in the theatre but apparently it was enough to warrant a sequel. There were so many things I hated about this movie besides the fact it is aimed specifically at six year olds and people who get boners when they see a car. The humor was juvenile and for a movie about robots there weren’t that many robots beating the shit out of each other. When the robots did beat up on each other it was filmed so poorly I had no idea what was going on. If your idea of a humor is a robot pissing gasoline on a guy then I think you should probably set yourself on fire.
The best review I could find about the movie Transformers comes from one of the members of the band Propagandhi. This is from a post on their official website:

tonight, in a bout of insomnia, i managed to watch 1 hour, 11 minutes and 58 seconds of what has to be the all-time King of all terrible, useless, obnoxious, stupid, insipid, horrid, putrid, fetid, utter shit movies: Transformers. Don’t ask me why i even tried. Just don’t. It’s not important. All i know is that my eyes actually smell like shit right now thanks to this visual bus-station toilet called a movie. I have in the past jokingly implied that violence should be visited upon those who have enjoyed such sad films. The joke is over. I hereby truly encourage people to hunt down every single person involved in the making of the Transformers movie (and their extended family members — including children and grandparents) and actually kill them. Literally. If you yourself enjoyed this movie (or were merely ambivalent about it), please consider killing yourself by nail-gunning your own eviscera to your own stupid face while sitting naked on a pail of bees you idiot.

So in honor of not being able to see Hamlet 2 at a movie theatre near me I will look at the movies being played tomorrow at my local theatre and review some of the movies playing there (even though I have not seen most of them) and I think we could find couple of movies that Hamlet 2 could possibly replace.

The Dark Knight

I have actually seen this movie. It was pretty decent but ran long. What I did like about the movie was that even though it was based off of a comic that is seen as being a medium for juveniles it actually had complex ideas and issues found within it.

Death Race

What we have here is a remake of an old movie where there was a race across America where you got points for running people over. I’m sure this movie will not have that aspect in it and I also think that this movie will have a lot of quick cuts and over the top violence. My problem is that this is another remake of an older and sadly probably a superior movie. If you ask me this movie screams straight to DVD but somehow is getting a wide release. And isn’t it sad to see Joan Allen in this movie that is an actress that is very talented and under appreciated?

Hancock

Fuck you Hancock we don’t need another movie about Superheroes. I’m sure since it is a Will Smith movie any complex ideas that were present are going to be dumbed down so it reaches the most amount of people that it can. And enough with superhero movies. Is the general movie going public made up of thirteen-year-old virgins who collect action figures?

Hellboy 2

I saw this movie as well. Another comic book movie that was kind of goofy considering the main character was the son of the devil. The movie had all kinds of stupid logic in it but it had all kinds of interesting creatures in it.

Henry Poole is Here

Who the fuck is Henry Pool and why is he here?

The House Bunny

Again this is one of these lazy formulaic movies that for some reason do well when they are in the theatres probably because they cost something like 14 million dollars to make. The Playboy Bunny turns a lot of women who are losers into winners. Of course the only thing wrong with these women is that they have braces or wear baggy clothes. Or maybe they wear their hair the wrong way or vote republican. Fuck this movie that gets a wide release while movies that actually try to do something like Hamlet 2 play at one theatre.

The Longshots

The only long shot with this movie are the chances of me ever seeing it. It is a Disney family movie starring a guy whose group wrote the song Fuck the Police. I think I should write a song called Fuck the Longshots.

Journey to the Center of the Earth

Another remake. This time in 3-D.

Mamma Mia

I can’t talk shit about this movie. I don’t think there are eough musicals in the world even though I usually find them either to happy or just plain boring. “ll give this movie a pass.

Mirrors

I’ll give this movie a pass as well. It probably sucks but at least it is a horror movie that is rated R that will have some strong a disturbing violence in it which is rare in todays market.

There are too many movies out and going through the list and I don’t want to go over all of them. Wall E is still playing and I have no desire to see a movie about a robot in love with a coffee machine only because I am not seven years old. There is a computer animated Star Wars movie coming out that looks worse than all the other Star Wars movies but for some reason the losers who obsess over these movies will go see anything that has Star Wars in the title probably because they have a lot of spare time on their hands since they are not drinking, fucking, or doing drugs. With all this crap you think they could have played Hamlet 2 somewhere. Sigh.