The Great Gatsby! Now With 50% More Zinc!

So over the weekend, besides giving one of my always warmly received speeches on international monetary policy I was able to sneak in a screening of the New Great Gatbsy by that director who's name sounds like an expensive boat.  I don't care to look up the correct spelling of his name so we'll call him Jerry.  I guess Jerry's thing is reading old books that suck and then deciding the reason it sucks is because it's not set to contemporary music.  Blah.

Here is my review of the movie.  The lamest white people ever have big parties and somehow continue to be boring lame white people and everyone decides that they are in love with the shallowest women in the world because meeting people is just so hard you guys!  They didn't have Tinder in the 1920's!

This movie sucked.  Do not see it.

Old Spider-Man was so fed up and angry with everyone else by time the movie was over but it took me about twenty minutes to reach the same conclusion.  

And what was Gatsby's deal?  His defining characteristic in the movie was that he was the guy from Titanic.  I mean really, he's supposed to be so cool but he needs lame ass Spider-Man to set up a date with the girl he is in love with.  Probably why the girl chose to be with her ex-husband at the end.  Say what you want about that guy but I bet it's tough to find someone who will cover up vehicular manslaughter for you!  Girls that guy is a keeper!

Also, what I found unbelievable is that no one was playing beer pong at any of these parties.   

Hello Maury My Cat Is Out Of Control

I recently was forced to watch some show where some shaved head bozo drives around town and helps out single ladies and bored housewives tame their cats.  Why these cats?  Because these cats are out of control dawg!  These cats claw and bite and sell drugs on the corner to your stupid kid and now he's addicted and he's going to drop out of school all because of this dumb cat!  What a stupid show.

For one thing this bold headed guy carries around a guitar case.  Dude doesn't even have a guitar.  Either he just recently saw Desperado and thought it would be a good idea to emulate a movie that came out 300 years ago that nobody liked or he keeps all his cat whispering stuff in there.  No guitar!  I bet he couldn't play a chord to save his life! 

The show is called My Cat From Hell.  I just googled it.  I wasn't even going to do that because this is a stupid show and I hate this show and I hate you if you watch this show and I feel dumb for even writing about it!  But the guys name is Jackson Galaxy!  Jackson Fucking Galaxy!  I guess this guy decided after watching Toy Story 2 that this would be a cool name!  No dice dawg!

But who cares about this show!  All I got to say is get rid of the stupid cat.  Are you terrified to live in your own house with an animal you care and provide for because kitty's get claws?  Get rid of the fucker!  Get it out of the house.  Do not call Jackson Galaxy and his guitar case full of Axe Bodyspray.   Like all cats, this one hates you even though you do nice things for it like record Girls for it on the TIVO and provide it food and water so it doesn't die (get a job slacker cat)! 

Get rid of the cat.  Do the responsble thing and take it to the the Cat Orphanage or Jackson Galaxy's house.  Are you worried that society will unfairly judge you because you're getting rid of your pet.  Well guess what!  Society has already unfairly judged you.  Because you are a cat person.  And dogs are better!