She Showed Me The Knife

It seems like I went to sleep one night and when I woke up in a cold desolate land where pogs are no longer hip and everyone is talking about vampires. I have a stellar collection of Slammers that are now just sitting idly by collecting dust. Today all the kids love their True Blood and their Twilights (but I guess not their Let The Right One In since nobody went to see that one). But if you ask me these Twilights are corrupting the youth of America.

I find it alarming that these Vampires and Werewolves run around the whole movie without any shirts on, in broad daylight. Forget everything you have ever heard about Vampires not liking the sun and fucking exploding into flames when the sunlight hits them but instead they show of a little glitter like they are on their way to the Wave in Norfolk for 80’s Night. Why can’t these creatures wear a shirt? Are there no Dress Barns in their area? What I find totally irresponsible about the whole thing is that there is not one scene where these creatures apply any sort of sun block to cancel out the potentially harmful UV rays emitting from the sun. What message does this send to the young impressionable kids who look to emulate these poorly written character types? Do they want kids to get skin cancer?

Another negative trait these kids see in these Twilight movies is that none of the Vampires have a job. Maybe they can get by now in Obama’s America where the government is handing out welfare checks faster then Tyler Perry puts out his shitty men are evil devote your life to a higher power and you will find a guy who doesn’t beat the shit out of you movies. Kids are watching this movie and it is telling them they don’t need a job and can just go out and play baseball in one of the most incompetently filmed scenes in the history of American Cinema. I’m sure if you did your research the amount of people who stopped looking for jobs probably coincides with the wide release of Twilight.

And should these movies be glorifying relationships with Vampires? A vampire is going to eat you (and not in the good enjoyable vagina eating kind of way). If this was a responsible movie the main character would be going out with a Cyclops. What’s the worst part about going out with a Cyclops; that he won’t have very good depth perception? Sure maybe he won’t be able to do things like drive a car or wear glasses or see Avatar in 3D but you know what he won’t do? Bite into your fucking neck and drinking your blood which turns you into a Vampire. Its like herpes you guys; that shit isn’t ever going to go away.

But the biggest problem I have is that the Twilight movies are horrible. I would rather go swimming in a pool of HIV infected syringes then see a Twilight movie. They are poorly written thinly veiled religious allegories about not fucking someone until you get married (hey kids Uncle Webby is not telling you to go out and fuck everything that moves but rather telling you shouldn’t decide to never have sex). If you are over the age of eighteen and you are eagerly awaiting the release of the next movie in the Twilight series I’m betting I can find you on a Sexual Predators database online. Because you like the young kids with the no shirt on thing going on.

But too each his own I guess.

But if you do like the Twilight movies please see Let The Right One In or read the book it is based of or see the American remake. It’s a grown up piece of art with engaging themes with obvious loving craft put into it and not some cheap exploitive movie a studio pumps out to separate young kids from their money.