Food Critic for The Washington Post SimCity every Wednesday
participates in a chat at the Post Website where people complain about the
stupidest stuff and he recommends the same three restaurants week in and week
out. I would like to place most of the
blame on SimCity himself but I can’t discount the horrible questions he gets
from the cretins who care about being seen at some of this cities more trendy
places (accessibility and the status of the horrible self appointed gate keepers
who decide what is the next big play into this). It’s a
city where a 3 million dollar make-over speaks more to people than getting a
steak cooked to the requested temperature.
It’s a city where people will pay $16 for an average burger as long as
they can pair it with a $12 cocktail.
So yes, a lot in this city is the worst. But you know what? A lot in this city is the best. But that’s not what this is about. These chats represent the power and the
privileged, the people who have the money to spend on this hallow bullshit freakshow but need
someone at a National Publication tell them where to eat and how to spend their money. It’s the people whose first world problems
start with a Host/Hostess calling them by their first name like they were equals and ending with a server not giving them a happy ending. Most damming is that these are the people who don’t
know how to google.
So I said to myself let me take a crack at answering the
questions in SimCity’s chat today. And
you know what you guys? It wasn’t that
hard? The questions are in black and my
answers are in Red.
Tom - What do you know about Newton's Table in Bethesda?
Some friends are going tonight and I'm trying to do some intelligence gathering
for them. Any not-to-miss dishes? THX!
Jesus Christ son. How much of an egoist are you that you havn’t
even been to the restaurant yet and you want to give your friends your unsolicited
opinion on what their best dishes are.
Are there any movies you havn’t seen that you might want to tell them
about? Are you not caught up on Mad Men
but need some opinions on how the season finale went. And what exactly is a not to miss dish? Maybe, just maybe if your friends were able
to pick Newton’s Table without hearing your expert opinion on the place I would
believe they would be capable of picking out something on the menu that
looks appetizing and proceed to eat that.
But what if I told you the can’t miss dish had shellfish in it and your
friend was allergic; would he shove it down his throat risking certain death
just because you told him it’s a dish he shouldn’t miss? I advise that you get off the uppers immediately Joe Important!
Out of these two places, which would
you pick for date night and why: Thally or Baby Wale Thanks!
Are these the only two places that I
get to choose? Do you know that in my
capacities as a food critic I’ve eaten at places in this city that weren’t
Thally or Baby Wale? At least a dozen
places. Maybe more? Most importantly does your date know that you
are incapable of picking out a place for you two to enjoy and are relying on a
complete stranger to make this decision?
Tom, with the new redesign of space and menu at Restaurant
Eve, wlll there continue to be a bar? Will the lickety-split lunch menu be
discontinued?
Great question you jerk. Of course Restaurante Eve is going to get rid
of the bar because why not eliminate a customer base who is buying the items at
their place with the highest mark up.
What is the best sushi/Japanese place in DC (or VA)? Price
not an issue. Is it Sushi Taro?
If price is truly not an issue fly
to Japan you fucking WASP.
Hi Tom - Thank you for all of your work on behalf of your
hungry fans. May we expect new reviews of either of these fine restaurants,
given the shifting of talents in the kitchens?
How about we agree that you go so I
don’t have to.
Thanks for the infant-friendly recommendations! Father would
LOVE beer garden. Which makes me wonder - what are the rules about bringing a
baby into a bar? Under 18 obviously. I hate to call around and ask - "do
you take babies?"
Family love Michael! But the general rule about bringing babies
into a bar is that it makes you an asshole.
Bars are not for babies. If you
want to go out and get blotto please do the responsible thing and leave your baby in the car with the windows cracked.
Tom what's the latest on Sushi Ko? I saw that their space in
Glover Park is up for lease.
It’s gone. Forget about Sushi-Ko in Glover Park. Now kill yourself.
What about Momo Sushi in Old Town Alexandria?
Vermillion
Going to Vermillion for a milestone birthday dinner next
week. Is this still a good choice?
What is a milestone birthday? I can see you have not reached
the age were you have self-confidence in your decision making skills. Do you like the restaurant? I bet you do as is the reason you have
already decided to go you stupid prick?
And if you do go and it sucks remember you picked it and not me.
Tom, is it worth the considerable effort to obtain a
reservation at Elizabeth's Gone Raw? Thanks.
Are you asking me is it worth the
time to go to the Open Table Website and finding a day and time that you and
the restaurant would mutual agree could work out for the both of you? Or are you asking me if the food there is
any good? The
asnwer to both of your questions is I hate you.
For some reason, even though I live in Ellicott City MD, I
read your praise of Curry Leaf without registering that it was in Maryland.
Maybe my subconscious thought it was too good to be true, having such an
interesting Indian restaurant outside the immediate DC area. We went there last
Friday and are going to be regulars. The lemon rice was simply amazing, and
I've been googling ever since to find a recipe (now that fresh curry leaves are
readily available around here). Thanks again for going to a strip mall on Rte.
1 halfway to Baltimore, and pooh to those who chastise you for not seeking out
such places. They're just wrong.
You would be surprised how many of
the cretins who make up my readership can not understand simple geography. What I find interesting is that you think
there is some direct corolation between the quality of food and the number of
miles away from DC proper the food is cooked in. But it’s true. That’s the big secret and the reason every
fucking week on this chat Rasika is recommended.
Greetings Tom, not a question as much as a hope you will
return to Frederick, MD, soon. We must have close to 100 restaurants in the
city and some of them are great. I'm a big believer in reviews, particularly
multiple ones, such as found on Yelp. Hope to see you up here soon!
That’s cute your mom let’s you use
the internet during commercials of Reading Rainbow. But no shit hero, you’re telling me that out
of 100 restaurants in your fair town that some of them are passable; some might even
be great? Let me get in my car right now and drive all the way out to bum fucking Frederick and sample these restaurants that you and such reviewers on Yelp found great! Stop the presses and let’s alert
every major media outlet in this country!
EXTRA EXTRA Some Restaurants In Frederick Are Great Declares Local Laser
Tag Fan! I’m glad you’re a big fan of
multiple reviews! I’m a big fan of
multiple orgasms! Rest assured I”ll be coming
soon!
It seems like some places design their meals specifically
for customers to have leftovers to take home. I am not a fan of taking
leftovers home. I don't like to have food sitting out at room temperature for
an extended period of time and rarely am in a position to race home and put it
in the fridge. Also, I don't think food tastes as good the next day when it has
been reheated. Maybe, I just don't know the best way to warm it up. Finally, I
would rather save the money and only pay for as much as I can eat. Sometimes, I
wish places would offer their lunch size portions at dinner as they are usually
smaller and cost less.
What a fucking baby you are. Let me ask you a question. When a restaurant aks you if you would like
to take the food home do you ever tell them “no.” Who is holding a gun to your head and forcing
you to take leftovers home? Are you a
fan of bestiality? If I invited you over
to my house to fuck my dog would you. I’m
sure you would say no. So here is some
infinite wisdom: next time a server ask you if you would like to take your
food home you tell them “I’m sorry sir as I do have many electrical appliances
in my household such as a microwave that could theoretically heat up this food I am
an idiot and have not yet mastered the fine art of making food hot.” Even if he pleads with you, maybe even cries, stand your ground. And you know who else isn’t in a position to
put food in a fridge? A homeless
person. That being said I’m pretty sure they
would gladly accept your leftovers you fucking jerk.
That’s just about every question
that was asked in SimCity’s online chat today (I skipped some only to maintain some semblance of my sanity).
Thanks for reading to the end if you did! And you know what you guys? It’s not that hard being a film cricket!
