I Answer SimCity's Chat Questions For Him!!!

Food Critic for The Washington Post SimCity every Wednesday participates in a chat at the Post Website where people complain about the stupidest stuff and he recommends the same three restaurants week in and week out.  I would like to place most of the blame on SimCity himself but I can’t discount the horrible questions he gets from the cretins who care about being seen at some of this cities more trendy places (accessibility and the status of the horrible self appointed gate keepers who decide what is the next big play into this).  It’s a city where a 3 million dollar make-over speaks more to people than getting a steak cooked to the requested temperature.  It’s a city where people will pay $16 for an average burger as long as they can pair it with a $12 cocktail. 

So yes, a lot in this city is the worst.  But you know what?  A lot in this city is the best.   But that’s not what this is about.  These chats represent the power and the privileged, the people who have the money to spend on this hallow bullshit freakshow but need someone at a National Publication tell them where to eat and how to spend their money.  It’s the people whose first world problems start with a Host/Hostess calling them by their first name like they were equals and ending with a server not giving them a happy ending.  Most damming is that these are the people who don’t know how to google.

So I said to myself let me take a crack at answering the questions in SimCity’s chat today.  And you know what you guys?  It wasn’t that hard?  The questions are in black and my answers are in Red.

Newton's Table?

Tom - What do you know about Newton's Table in Bethesda? Some friends are going tonight and I'm trying to do some intelligence gathering for them. Any not-to-miss dishes? THX!

Jesus Christ son.  How much of an egoist are you that you havn’t even been to the restaurant yet and you want to give your friends your unsolicited opinion on what their best dishes are.  Are there any movies you havn’t seen that you might want to tell them about?  Are you not caught up on Mad Men but need some opinions on how the season finale went.  And what exactly is a not to miss dish?  Maybe, just maybe if your friends were able to pick Newton’s Table without hearing your expert opinion on the place I would believe they would be capable of picking out something on the menu that looks appetizing and proceed to eat that.  But what if I told you the can’t miss dish had shellfish in it and your friend was allergic; would he shove it down his throat risking certain death just because you told him it’s a dish he shouldn’t miss?  I advise that you get off the uppers immediately Joe Important!

Date night: Thally or Baby Wale

Out of these two places, which would you pick for date night and why: Thally or Baby Wale Thanks!

Are these the only two places that I get to choose?  Do you know that in my capacities as a food critic I’ve eaten at places in this city that weren’t Thally or Baby Wale?  At least a dozen places.  Maybe more?  Most importantly does your date know that you are incapable of picking out a place for you two to enjoy and are relying on a complete stranger to make this decision? 

Restaurant Eve Lickety-Split Bar Menu

Tom, with the new redesign of space and menu at Restaurant Eve, wlll there continue to be a bar? Will the lickety-split lunch menu be discontinued?

Great question you jerk.  Of course Restaurante Eve is going to get rid of the bar because why not eliminate a customer base who is buying the items at their place with the highest mark up. 

Best Sushi Place in DC?

What is the best sushi/Japanese place in DC (or VA)? Price not an issue. Is it Sushi Taro?

If price is truly not an issue fly to Japan you fucking WASP.

Ashby Inn and Potowmack Farm

Hi Tom - Thank you for all of your work on behalf of your hungry fans. May we expect new reviews of either of these fine restaurants, given the shifting of talents in the kitchens?

How about we agree that you go so I don’t have to.

re infant in arms

Thanks for the infant-friendly recommendations! Father would LOVE beer garden. Which makes me wonder - what are the rules about bringing a baby into a bar? Under 18 obviously. I hate to call around and ask - "do you take babies?"

Family love Michael!  But the general rule about bringing babies into a bar is that it makes you an asshole.  Bars are not for babies.  If you want to go out and get blotto please do the responsible thing and leave your baby in the car with the windows cracked.

Sushi Ko

Tom what's the latest on Sushi Ko? I saw that their space in Glover Park is up for lease.

It’s gone.  Forget about Sushi-Ko in Glover Park.  Now kill yourself.

Sushi

What about Momo Sushi in Old Town Alexandria?

What about Momo Sushi in Old Town?  Momo Sushi sucks.  And you suck.  Oh I’m sorry is Momo Sushi the neighborhood spot you and your good time buddies go to and always exclaim how great this undiscovered little gem is and wonder why no one else goes to it but if it ever did become popular you and your good time buddies would then lament how great it used to be until it got real popular?  I bet that’s what would happen!  SO STOP TRYING TO SHOVE MOMO SUSHI DOWN OUR THROATS!!!

Vermillion

Going to Vermillion for a milestone birthday dinner next week. Is this still a good choice?

What is a milestone birthday?  I can see you have not reached the age were you have self-confidence in your decision making skills.  Do you like the restaurant?  I bet you do as is the reason you have already decided to go you stupid prick?  And if you do go and it sucks remember you picked it and not me. 

Elizabeth's Gone Raw?

Tom, is it worth the considerable effort to obtain a reservation at Elizabeth's Gone Raw? Thanks.

Are you asking me is it worth the time to go to the Open Table Website and finding a day and time that you and the restaurant would mutual agree could work out for the both of you?  Or are you asking me if the food there is any good?  The asnwer to both of your questions is I hate you.

Thanks for the review of Curry Leaf in Laurel

For some reason, even though I live in Ellicott City MD, I read your praise of Curry Leaf without registering that it was in Maryland. Maybe my subconscious thought it was too good to be true, having such an interesting Indian restaurant outside the immediate DC area. We went there last Friday and are going to be regulars. The lemon rice was simply amazing, and I've been googling ever since to find a recipe (now that fresh curry leaves are readily available around here). Thanks again for going to a strip mall on Rte. 1 halfway to Baltimore, and pooh to those who chastise you for not seeking out such places. They're just wrong.

You would be surprised how many of the cretins who make up my readership can not understand simple geography.  What I find interesting is that you think there is some direct corolation between the quality of food and the number of miles away from DC proper the food is cooked in.  But it’s true.  That’s the big secret and the reason every fucking week on this chat Rasika is recommended. 

Restaurants in Frederick, MD

Greetings Tom, not a question as much as a hope you will return to Frederick, MD, soon. We must have close to 100 restaurants in the city and some of them are great. I'm a big believer in reviews, particularly multiple ones, such as found on Yelp. Hope to see you up here soon!

That’s cute your mom let’s you use the internet during commercials of Reading Rainbow.  But no shit hero, you’re telling me that out of 100 restaurants in your fair town that some of them are passable; some might even be great?  Let me get in my car right now and drive all the way out to bum fucking Frederick and sample these restaurants that you and such reviewers on Yelp found great!  Stop the presses and let’s alert every major media outlet in this country!  EXTRA EXTRA Some Restaurants In Frederick Are Great Declares Local Laser Tag Fan!  I’m glad you’re a big fan of multiple reviews!  I’m a big fan of multiple orgasms!  Rest assured I”ll be coming soon! 

Leftovers

It seems like some places design their meals specifically for customers to have leftovers to take home. I am not a fan of taking leftovers home. I don't like to have food sitting out at room temperature for an extended period of time and rarely am in a position to race home and put it in the fridge. Also, I don't think food tastes as good the next day when it has been reheated. Maybe, I just don't know the best way to warm it up. Finally, I would rather save the money and only pay for as much as I can eat. Sometimes, I wish places would offer their lunch size portions at dinner as they are usually smaller and cost less.

What a fucking baby you are.  Let me ask you a question.  When a restaurant aks you if you would like to take the food home do you ever tell them “no.”  Who is holding a gun to your head and forcing you to take leftovers home?  Are you a fan of bestiality?  If I invited you over to my house to fuck my dog would you.  I’m sure you would say no.  So here is some infinite wisdom: next time a server ask you if you would like to take your food home you tell them “I’m sorry sir as I do have many electrical appliances in my household such as a microwave that could theoretically heat up this food I am an idiot and have not yet mastered the fine art of making food hot.”  Even if he pleads with you, maybe even cries, stand your ground.  And you know who else isn’t in a position to put food in a fridge?  A homeless person.  That being said I’m pretty sure they would gladly accept your leftovers you fucking jerk.

That’s just about every question that was asked in SimCity’s online chat today (I skipped some only to maintain some semblance of my sanity).  Thanks for reading to the end if you did!  And you know what you guys?  It’s not that hard being a film cricket!

Say Your Prayers! Because the schools can't force you like they should!

So it's Sunday!  Got the SVU on waiting for the game (dawg) to start!  My prediction is that there will be a lot of commercials for beer during the NBA finals!  And the Spurs will win!

So I don't know why but I was thinking about the last time I really sat down and prayed because it was a pretty big defining moment in my life.  Actually it's really not but I"m really bored and figured I would blog about it!

I should preface it by saying that as much as I can remember I never really was much of a prayer guy!  I never really thought about it to tell you the truth.  I was forced to go to church when I was younger and I can't really say I got much out of it except for hating Notre Dame (the stupid priest would sometimes play the Notre dame fight song during Mass which made it last longer so screw that).

For lack of a better definition I guess you could call me an atheist.  Without getting into it I know there is no God but I"m not one of those atheist who goes around making sure everyone knows my thoughts on the matter.  I"m not religious about it is what I am saying!  Growing up I had to go to church and CCD but never really put any critical thought into anything they were talking about.  In fact I remember most of my time spent in Church all I would seriously consider was how awesome it would be if they made a video game where the Incredible Hulk would fight Spider-Man.  Church was just a thing I did.

(Quick sidebar: I think in first grade I had a CCD Class a night where I had a baseball game and one of my teammate's dad's tried getting his kids out early.  The nun's asked him point blank what was more important: "Jesus or baseball?"  The dad answered baseball.)

Anyways the last time I prayed was when I was in 4th grade.  I can remember it rather vividly!  I was in bed getting ready to sleep and I was thinking about a math test I had the next day.  I don't know why because I was not much of a prayer but for some reason I went ahead and prayed to god asking him to help me pass my test.  I swear to aqua buddha right when I finished praying I realized how stupid it was.  And I was in fourth grade.

I immediately realized no amount of prayer was going to change the fact that I either knew how to do the math or not.  I remember being kind of embarrassed about it afterwards.  And that was the last time I ever prayed for anything!

And now you know!

In Support of Same Sex Marriage

"After much thought and prayer, talking with my priests and others in my community with high social status and the parents of those who have gay kids and then giving it some more serious thought and soul searching, I have decided to come out in support of same sex marriage.

Coincidentally it has nothing to do with recent public polling whose results show acceptance of same sex marriage is at an all time high which makes it politically and socially acceptable for me to support same sex marriage!   Look at me being brave and courageous!

Of course I won't be leading the charge on this issue since I have to concentrate on economic issues.  I won't vote against same sex marriage but please know that even though I am not against same sex marriage I do think it is an issue best left for the states to decide.  You just won't really see me advocat"

There are a lot of stupid fucking cowardly jerks in positions of power who could have actually spurred real change in regards to not denying basic rights to a persecuted minority group who have only now come out in support of gay marriage but didn't before because it was not politically expedient for them at the time.  Good for them you say?  No fuck these people.  And a big fucking hearty fuck you to those jerks who now only support same sex marriage because one of their family members came out as gay.

I have supported Same Sex Marriage ever since I knew it was an issue and I will continue to do so when it is no longer an issue.

Between The Buried and Me And My Fruit Loops!

I guess at some point in 2005 I bought The Between The Buried and Me album Alaska.  Do you guys remember 2005?  It felt so long ago!  George W Bush was our President.  We pulled the troops out of Vietnam.  Some wacky kids at Bayside introduced a hot new dance called The Sprain that took the world by storm.  Yes,  I'm sure you remember 2005, it was seven years ago!

Anyways, I'm listening to it right now and it's pretty badass you guys!  Don't believe me?  Well to hell with you!

Anyways, and I know this is an extreme example since it's some niche band who never really gained mainstream acceptance (they did cover a Counting Crows song), but is there a particular part of pop culture that you didn't really 'get' when it was first introduced but then discovered it later.  Hell, maybe something came out and you hated it but years later you loved it?  Myself and the various spambots would love to hear about it in the comments!  

We Are The Romans

Hello everyone. It's been a while! How have you been?  Still watching The Office!  Can't say I blame you.  All right!  Now that we got out of the way, we can get on to more pressing business!

Did you hear?  I'm sure you did!  Obama and the liberal media and Alec Baldwin and whoever else Fox News is telling you to hate right now (I bet they're not white) is hating up on Chick Fil A.  Yes, I know, Alec Baldwin's daughter probably eats there, because she is a little piggy. but apparently it's a big thing now!

So now we have Chick Fil A Appreciation Day, or how I like to call it, The Reason Mike Huckabee is Fat Again Day!  Going is a great way to show he hate homosexuals without coming out and saying it!

The worst part about all of this, besides the sodium intake is the conservatives who thought they really made a difference standing up fto some non-existant threat to the first amendment.  Way to go you guys (gender exclusive on purpose)!!!  Instead of standing with your fellow human beings, who just want equal fucking rights, you decided to throw your support behind some big corporation!  That's like cheering for the people who were not James Caan in Rollerball!  You're the worst!

Seacrest Out!

Billy Bad Ass

So as I was walking home the other day I was thinking of the movie Hellraiser. I don't know if you have seen this movie, but basically it's about these demons with problems who show up if you solve their puzzle box and then torture you until your skin gets ripped off. What happens with this skin after it gets flayed from your body is left to the imagination, but I like to think that these demons use it to decorate their homes or something. Hey man, I'm sure if you're sitting around with pins in your head you're going to need some scotch guard for your couch.

Anyhows, I was thinking about one of the last scenes of the movie, where the main protagonist, who was wearing the skin of another character from the movie (really its too hard to explain) gets discovered by the demons (they're actually called Cenebots) as a person which was one of their former victims who has escaped hell. What happens is that these chains come out of nowhere and sink into this guys skin and pretty much rip him apart. Don't believe me?



This has to be the most bas ass hardcore scene from every movie I've ever seen. Besides that one guy beating up some ninjas using only a pummel horse this has to be the most hardcore things I've ever seen put to film. Think about it you guys. This guy is not only being killed in a very grotesque manner, but he is actually getting off on it sexually. At least that's what it looks like to me.

And to top it all off right before he explodes he says one of the most bas ass lines I've ever seen in a movie. Let's face it, when your body is being ripped into pieces calling out the son of god for crying while he was getting crucified while you're cumming in your pants before your head explodes really signifies how fucking bad ass you are.

Superman's Key Party (Guys Must Bring A Girl)

Jeeez have I been busy these last couple weeks. I mean nothing will keep you busier then visiting every single 7-11 and run down gas station looking to pick up every last Four Loko you can before the tyrannical Obama Government outlaws them all and purchase of them is punishable by bullet to the head in front of all your loved ones and Toby Keith (but what if Toby Keith is a loved one of yours you ask? You've probably all ready went with the bullet to the head route). This being the holidays its important to stock up on Four Loko so you can have a good pairing with the Thanksgiving Turkey. I would think Watermelon would match up splendidly with the turkey but my girlfriend is pretty adamant about trying the grape this year since she says it will match up with the turkey pretty well something about taste palettes or something). I can be pretty stubborn when it comes to finer alcoholic beverages so this year the fine wine decision will be deferred to her. I guess Grape Four Loko this year!

If there is one thing more dangerous then teenage girls drinking Four Loko and making mistakes which usually end with the girl in question having no memory on how they got that Girl Gone Wild t-shirt it's apparently air travel. Over the last couple days all I have heard are horror stories how someone had to walk through a full body scanner or an individual making slightly more than minimum wage patted down their cock looking for explosives.

People can we calm down on this full blown panic on these expanded security measures the TSA has implemented. So what if you have to walk through a machine where whoever is monitoring it can see you naked. Do you think the employees who have to sit around see what a typical American looks like naked are getting off? I would hope not since most Americans are fat and ugly. Oh and so what if you get pulled out of line and get patted down and some fucking TSA official touches your dick. From my understanding from all the Craiglist ads I have seen over the years (and posted) is that most guys want people to touch their dick. I mean isn't that the reason Four Loko was invented.

But of course collective America has decided that these TSA Security Measures are worse then setting your dick on fire (which coincidentally someone on a plane tried doing). Everybody was pretty cool and silent about these measures when the heightened security was just aimed at Muslims. Sure it was OK and you didn't give a fuck when most of Muslim America was profiled in this regard but all of a sudden now all of white fucking suburbia America suddenly gets mad that they will have to walk through a full body scanner and somebody gets to see their bloated dumpy potato eating ass almost in the flesh. I guess when the TSA started treating everyone at the airport like a Muslim all of America lost their collective minds.

Oh and just to let you know I am against these new protocols but you want to know something? I have been against most of what has been implemented since 9/11 to keep us "safe" from the terrorists. It's amazing all the bullshit that the U.S. Government has done while waging their War On Terror such as The Patriot Act and invading Muslim Countries where it had no business going to and Wireless Phone Taps and monitoring your library records and now people are getting mad because someone might touch their dick? America is number one in selective outrage!

Oh and one last thing my fellow freedom loving Americans! If you think full body scanners in the name of fighting terrorism is bad think about being one of those poor unfortunate schmucks who happen to live in a country the U.S. is occupying to wage this war on terror. You could have been bombed or killed by a predator drone attack just because you were in the wrong place at the wrong time (like a wedding). But yeah that's not as bad as someone touching your dick. As my good friend Justin Timberlake likes to sing "Cry me a fucking river America you nation of stupid fucking whiners."