Bye Bye Mrs American Pie

Jesus Christ. Its presidents day or some crazy holiday which is important enough for me to have off of work and it is snowing again. Do we need more snow? Its like I"m in some winter wonderland.

Anyways the only thing on television earlier today was Scrubs. Granted its a tolerable enough show and mostly inoffensive but I dig into it. Yeah that Zack Braff looking guy kinda sucks. Yeah he is good in Scrubs but I don't see that guy's shelf life lasting too long. There are only so many more years left where he can play some fucking pussy in a movie who listens to the god awful Shins eh?

Anyways American Pie Beta House came on after an episode of Scrubs today. Actually it might have been after an episode of the Colbert Report? Who fucking knows or cares because that's neither here nor there. Why is there an American Pie beta House movie?

The first American Pie was a pretty enjoyable flick. I liked how it kind of broke down typical stereotypes in regards to all the characters who were friends came from different circles. You had the intellectual, the sports jock, the loser virgin and the former rookie of the year from the Chicago Cubs team that won the Word Series back when I was younger. And if you looked past all the pie fucking and semen drinking and pussy fluting and probably the crime of tapping a women without her knowledge changing and broadcasting it for everyone to see on the internet (really I know its just some goofy fucking movie but don't you think that's a huge criminal offense) and whatever other crass sexual shenanigans where going on it was kind of a sweet movie that even had one character semi endorsing waiting to have sex which is something I"m sure the Christian Coalition could stand behind.

So like most movies they had a bunch of unnecessary sequels. I have to say that Part 2 was one of the funner experiences I had at the movie theatre and I remember there being a ten year old sitting behind me. And then Part Three came out and I thought it was a lot better then it had any right to be. So the third one came to an end and most of the characters grew up and it gets pretty unbelievable to have a thirty year old accidentally super gluing his dick to his hands so that was supposed to be the end of the franchise. But wait..

Like any fucking company whoever produced the American Pie movies decided they wanted to bleed more money out of the American Pie name so they kept creating these fucking direct to DVD cheap movies with nobodies. These movies lack the heart of the original movies and have doubled the amount of tits and asses that you get to see (Which I will admit is pretty awesome).

I saw the first one that came out which I think was called Band Camp. Man was that a cheap flaming bag of dog shit! First of all there is some other Stifler in the movie. Who the fuck was this Stifler and where did he come from? Oh and for some reason Jim's Dad from the first three movies was working at the band camp? What the fuck is that shit man? Why is Eugen Levy who looks like some buttoned up accountant now at this Band Camp? It makes no sense.

So I guess that movie made money so they keep making these movies. And another fucking Stifler I guess shows up to be the main character in it? How many fucking Stiflers are there. Not only that but for some reason Eugene Levy is in the movie as well. Is he still playing Jim's dad? I mean I am watching this Beta House American Pie and there is some scene where the fraternity is having some sort of contest and Jim's dad is a judge or something. Why would some nerdy guy who works at a Band Camp be judging some rowdy college contest where it seems that the person who can remove girls bras the fastest wins. Oh and Jim's dad is a lawyer who used to be a member of the fraternity.

Oh and some guy just fucking shot a load on a teddy bear. Its a super classy movie!

Oh and it seems they are up to at least number seven. And Eugene Levy is still playing Jim's Dad.

Give the man a break....

Ok. I know and harp on all the time about the negatives I see in the human race. I believe you can at least agree with me that there are some vile and fucked up things we as a human species do on a collective whole. I mean there is war, government sponsored bombings, public relations departments, famine and all sort of ugly primeval notions and abstract ideas that fill our collective heads throughout the day. But what makes us as a species tolerable and even gets me to root for our continued existence and survival is that we can sometimes come to agreements on some tiny aspects of life. Something that most of the general public agrees on is that Nicholas Cage is a shrill, not so good looking over actor who's career turned into some joke. Well I am here to set the record straight.

First on looks. Sure he doesn't have the rugged good looks of a Goerge Clooney or Joe Piscipo or isn't young anymore but dude looks all right in a non conventional way. I think its some of his hair decisions he makes in some of his movies. I will admit that he looks really goofy occasionally.

And sure Nicholas Cage overacts in almost any of his movies but unlike the critical darling and I must say overrated Johnny Depp have you ever been bored by a Cage performance? Usually he's balls to the wall in most movies I see him in which at least makes some of the more offensively bad movies in his repertoire semi-tolerable.

And sure he has been in a lot of bad movies. I'm sure you could name some of them and I know I could but its much easier to name the movies he was in that were good: Wild At Heart, Raising Arizona, Face Off, The Weather Man, Adaptation, The Rock, Leaving Los Vegas, Lord of War, and those are just the ones I can recall from memory.

I don't care what you say those are some good fucking movies and most actors don't have this number of good movies in their resumes. But if you ask me there is nothing better then watching his performance in the movie the Wicker Man. God was it a horrible movie but it has so many Cage freak out scenes and the what the fuck moment where he is running around punching out woman while dressed as a bear. It's some crazy shit as you can see.



You know I could make the same argument about another guy, Kevin Costner who gets shit on a lot but who has been in some pretty good movies. I won't but I could.

Stand There Looking Stupid. Hey You're American

Its Saturday and its snowing! We are getting a good amount of accumulation so I would have to say that it disputes all this talk of global warming. To all my conservative friends you were right about the whole global warming thing being a hoax perpetrated by the liberal media so they can accomplish um, well I don't know what we were trying to accomplish in this regard so if you do know please tell me. Also Scream 2 is on TNT right now. They say that have less commercials but it seems there are about as many commercials as there are sex tapes with Pamela Anderson in them.

I went to Shoppers earlier in the day to purchase some groceries which was a terrible mistake. There were so many people there and it took me forever just to checkout. Usually I go through the self check out. Oh the self check out the glorious invention that is not only supposed to be quicker but is another way us humans have gone about eliminating any sort of human interaction. I for one love it!

But sometimes the self checkout lane is a horrid shit show because unfortunately you have to take into account that most people alive today are pretty fucking retarded. I don't mean to be constantly harping on the negatives I see in the human race but some people should not be in the self checkout lanes. I don't understand how you can get confused in the self checkout lane when the damn machine walks you through the whole process. I am sure you have seen someone at the self checkout lane just standing there starring at the machine with an emotionless expression unable to fathom why they are not able to finish the transaction. Sign your fucking name people that's all you have to do.

Whats even worse then this is the people who insists on using the self checkout lanes with their shopping carts full of their food they will be eating for three weeks. People of America I want to inform you that the self check out lanes are supposed to be an express type thing. Trying to purchase three hundred dollars worth of food and getting it to fit in the limited bag space at the end of the machine is like trying to jam an elephant into an elevator. It just won't work and you just look really fucking goofy.

Lets Go For A Walk

I'm sorry. I know a couple days ago I promised to write a long and compelling diatribe on why Pat Robertson is a vile vermin motherfucking douche but I got preoccupied by watching Battlestar Galactica and drinking enough alcohol to forget major parts of the night and sexxing it up. That's right brothers and sisters at arms I have been out living life and the Mango has suffered from it (Is it cool to call this the Mango)? I know its not the first time I promised to knock that fucking phony smug fuck Pat Robertson down a couple pegs and right now and it probably looks like I have a petty vindictive grudge against him because he stole what should have been my rightful crown of homecoming king or he fucked my dog to death but I assure you there are many viable reasons to hate that senile old fucker that him fucking my dog to doggy heaven would be low on the top ten list of reasons why he is a horrible human.

Staying with the religious angle I would like to comment about last Friday afternoon where I got stuck in traffic in the District because it was the annual March For Life where a bunch people travel from all over the country and meet in D.C. because I guess its the heart of the nation where social policy is formed and implemented and march a mile or so together wearing color coordinated scarves and chant in cadence while carrying signs that either have a cute little slogan on it or an eight month fetus that was the ugly aftermath of a third trimester partial birth abortion.

Well good for them for marching I guess. I don't really have a real problem with a bunch of people who feel strongly about an issue wanting to get their message out. I mean wouldn't it be fucking hypocritical of me who has this very prestigious blog to knock people down a notch or two because they want to express their thoughts and feelings on an issue that is important to them?

Actually I was pissed because it took me forever to get out of the city on Friday. I think I have discussed this before but why is it that in this country if someone gets mad about something they make signs and go for a walk? It just seems so stupid to me. I don't care if its for making abortion illegal, ending the war or bringing Jericho back to television going for a walk is not a viable method to spur social change. But these people who do these walks or marches are self important assholes who think they are changing the world because they made a goofy fucking sign and burned a couple calories in the process. IF you want to spur social change you either have to overhaul our current system or actually get people into positions of power where they can actually implement these changes.

I mean look at it like this. How many politicians have actually said they were going to make abortion illegal. Or look at the promises Obama has made but has not kept because its really the same concept. People keep voting for and supporting these politicians who promise something but don't deliver because they got your vote and that's it. Look at all these Senators who showed up at the March for Life to get their picture taken so they get a couple more votes from the church going electorate and then go back to their office and work on their latest fundraising pitch to bleed more money out of whatever fucking special interest is trying to kill whatever regulatory bill is in the process of coming up for a vote in Congress.

Ok. Maybe just let me put it simpler to you pro-life people. HOW MANY YEARS HAVE YOU BEEN HAVING THIS MARCH FOR LIFE AND HOW MANY ABORTIONS HAVE STILL BEEN PERFORMED?

Now that we got that out of the way I just wanted to comment on a couple of things I noticed about the march. Granted I did not actually see every single person who was at the march but I think I saw enough to make a fair assessment on the basic demographics that were there.

The majority of the people marching either seemed to be older adults ranging age 45 or older or kids who seemed to be around 14 years old. I found it fascinating that there didn't seem to be a larger representation of people within those age groups present at the march. I think that most of the older people there were true believers but in regards to the younger kids, and let me state that at this point in their life I don't doubt their sincerity and beliefs in what they were marching for, but I would like to think these are kids that are still young and I think because of the lack of real life experiences they could end up changing their mind on this issue. But fuck man maybe a lot of those people in their twenties and thirties just couldn't get off of work since the March was held on a Friday.

But what pissed me off about the 14 year old kids was that you could tell most of them had never been in a big city before because I must have witnessed ten separate occasions where they would blissfully walk into the street to almost get hit by a car. The worst part about it is that they have a laugh about it like its so cute. Me I laugh at what I guess would be defined as irony if one of these kids got hit and killed by a car at the March For Life rally.

One last comment about this march and surprise its about something that pisses me off. I saw one old guy marching who had a large American flag he was waving around. This is what pisses me off the most and has been going on for some time. I think it got really bad in the last Presidential election where intellectuals like perpetual quitters Sarah Palin would go around the country to small towns that historically vote Republican and love the Confederate Flag and calling it the real American in relation to those elite democratic voting cities like New York who I guess by default would be part of this phony America who believes in global warming and other faggy progressive ideas. Forget the fact that this perceived real America is usually subsidized by the revenue brought in from the taxes of these more progressive states to help fund the dreams of real America which includes high school football games, apple pie and Larry The Cable Guy TV specials. Where was I again?

Oh yeah the dipshit carrying around the huge American flag which conveyed to me that he thought he was the real American and those who think differently from him are some small dicked fucking pussies that our actively cheering for the demise of what he perceives to be the American dream so faggy communist like me and our ilk can implement a one state progressive mandate where we force people into abortions and create some new world order with the United Nations and a cabal of Jewish bankers and force these real Americans to watch Nip Tuck or whatever the latest show that is an affront to God the Parents Resource Council is bitching about now but I guess the fact that he is marching on the side of right with the American Flag blowing in the breeze on his sabbatical to the unauthentic godless America to right all the wrongs with what is now a secular progressive society makes him a "real American." Sarah Palin and those who actively encourage this kind of thinking must be proud.

My New Years Resolution

My New Years Resolution was to write and blog more. After some deep and intense thought under the blazing sun while under the influence of peyote I decided that my New Year's Resolution would be to instead have no New Years Resolution.

I mean I have to say it is almost as ambitious as my New Year's Resolution which I batted .500 on last year. They were to check out my friends new townhouse in Woodbridge and to go to the BBQ place down the street from me. I did not make it to the BBQ place. Dagger.

But is there anything lamer than a New Year's Resolution? They are the worst you guys. Take a minute to stop and think how stupid they are in hindsight. Why do you need some arbitrary time frame to decide to make a decision that would supposedly improve your life. I say improve because nobody ever makes the New YEars Resolution to gain weight or take up smoking or preform a full frontal lobotomy do they? No you are just making some minor life decision that you will not follow through on and totally say fuck it after a couple weeks.

I also hate the people who complain about about how the previous year was horrible and maybe this will be the year where things look up for them. Because lets be serious your life is not going to get progressively better or worse because there happens to be a different number at the end of whatever year it is. But I degrees.

Yes but I am going to try and write more. Maybe there will be a series of shorter entries and a couple long ones here or there. I have a nice long post set up for that asshole Pat Robertson tomorrow that I hope I get up. Hopefully you will hear from me tomorrow.

On A Totally Stupid Article Against Harvey Milk

I found this article about Harvey Milk which is basically the author bitching and making things up about Harvey Milk probably because he hates the fact a gay guy is going to have a day recognized after him.

I am no great scholar of the life and career of Harvey Milk but what I find really offensive in this article was to downplay Milk's accomplishes by stating he only served in office for a year. This would be like saying JFK was a horrible president because he didn't finish his term.

The quote in context

Milk makes a rather unremarkable subject for the silver screen. In his seven years in San Francisco, he made four bids for elective office, only emerging victorious in his last—a 1977 run for city supervisor. For his persistence, Milk jokingly referred to himself as the “gay Harold Stassen.” He served for less than a year. In naming the onetime camera-shop proprietor one of the 100 most important people of the twentieth century, Time conceded, “As a supervisor, Milk sponsored only two laws—predictably, one barring anti-gay discrimination, and, less so, a law forcing dog owners to clean pets’ messes from sidewalks.” Eleven months on the city council hardly seems the stuff of Hollywood legend. So Hollywood invented a legend.

By trying to downplay Milk's contributions he made in his life by insinuating that Milk was unsuccessful because he did not even serve a year is blatantly dishonest and it illustrates that no one should take him to seriously.

Call Me When The Kid Hits The Ground

I have been so busy I have not had a chance to update my blog as often as I would like. Fuck man I didn't even get to part four of my attempted five part series regarding music last week. How shameful. But yeah going out almost every night doing trivia or concerts or movies or just hanging out with someone you think is really great is a very stellar way to live life but the downside is that you readers don't get any of my witty and insightful views on pop culture and current events. I know I get you hooked and then suddenly take it away and next thing you know you're that guy from Trainspotting crawling into his toilet desperately trying to find out my views on campaign finance reform.

So anyways I made a list of topics I wanted to write about in my wallet. But what I think got the whole world's attention yesterday was that stupid kid who was not in the hot air balloon. Come on every news source that exists in this country; wasn't there anything else going on? Does one kid not in a hot air balloon really warrant this intensive coverage and mass hysteria?

I don't even care if it was a hoax. I did not follow the story at all because I would rather listen to The Lawrence Arms but apparently the kid was at his house the whole time. I'm pretty sure it was a hoax because lets face it this kid and his family were awfully ready to be on all the morning television shows today weren't they? Can we stop giving these attention seekers what they want and get them off the TV? Do what my friends did in the summer of 2003 when I had my Crystal Meth addiction; starve the beast.

Hey did you hear about this asshole justice of the peace down in Louisiana who refused to issue a marriage license to a mixed race couple? What is even more infuriating was the justice of the peace's defense which was "I'm not a racist. I just don't believe in mixing the races that way." I don't know what it is in today's but it is fucking hard to be labeled a racist now a days. Unless you're Glen Beck then you get to call the president a racist.

Speaking about racists I guess it was a big deal recently when it was disclosed that Rush Limbuagh wanted to obtain ownership status of the St. Louis Rams. Its actually unfair to call Rush a racist. I suspect he isn't but he does employ a lot of race baiting on his show probably because he knows his listeners eat that shit up. Like the previous mentioned Justice asshole and Rush Limbuagh I guess they figure its not being racist unless the explicitly use the "N" word. Racist or not I think its fair to say that there a lot of vitriol still permeates not just in the Southern United States but everywhere in this world. It makes me :(

Wow. Where did this post end up going? Truthfully I am really tired and my mind has kind of wondered and I think I have left a whole lot of incomplete thoughts on here. I can't even remember what I just wrote. I think I'll give it a quick proof read and then get out of here and relax. I'll try to put something more substantial on here this weekend. Or at the very least naked pics.